HOW TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF IN RELATIONSHIP by osho The whole phoniness arises in life because we have been taught to do things which cannot be done. You understand? This is the whole mechanism of phoniness. You were a child and your mother said, “Love me, I am your mother.” How can a child love? If love arises, it arises; if not, not - what can the child do? The child feels helpless. How to love this mother? She is a mother, and a mother has to be loved; it is a role to be fulfilled, a duty to be carried. What can the child do? He can pretend, at the most he can pretend - and by and by he learns the trick of pretensions. Then he smiles when he looks at the mother. She is a mother, one has to smile. By and by he completely forgets what to be natural is. The whole society expects you to do this and that - respect this man because he is your teacher, respect that man because he is your boss.
I’m not saying just to get out of the social formalities. I am saying be watchful, and if you have to be false, be it consciously. Knowing that this is your boss and you have to smile, smile consciously, knowing well that it is phony. Let the boss be deceived; you should not be deceived by your smile - that’s the point. If you smile unconsciously, the boss may not be deceived, because it is difficult to deceive bosses - but you may be deceived. You may think how respectful you were. You will pat yourself on the back and think you were perfectly good, such a good boy - but there you are missing.
So if sometimes you think it is necessary - because it may be necessary: life is complex and you are not alone; there are many things that you have to do, because the whole society exists on phoniness - then be phony consciously. But in your relationships where you can be true, don’t allow phoniness. With your wife there is no need to be phony, because that is not a social relationship. But there too it enters, and then you don’t have any world where you can be true - not even in love. Even there you have to watch and see and do things.
So if it is possible in your love relationship, in your friendships, be true. I am not saying to hurt people. I am simply saying don’t deceive yourself. If you see that being true will hurt somebody, then don’t be true. Because your truth is yours - you need not hurt anybody. If a phony smile can become a lubricant, let it be so. But when you are in an authentic relationship, then be true. And even if that is not possible, then at least when you are sitting alone in your room, don’t be phony.
I know people who are phony there too; they sit in their drawing rooms as if somebody else is present, and they behave in a correct manner. Even in their bathrooms many people are afraid to be true. The mannerism has gone so deep that you cannot put it aside. Mannerisms should be like clothing: you undress, so unmanner also; become uncivil, become wild again. At least for a few moments when you are alone, be true.
Then by and by the boundaries will go on becoming wider and wider and wider - and a day comes when a person is simply true. Try it.